I haven't blogged since October?! What kind of writer am I?! One of my goals for 2013 is to write more. I mean I've been writing my ass off in 2012, but it hasn't been for pleasure necessarily, it's been for work. Luckily, some of my work IS pleasurable so it all evens out. Kind of. However, writing for myself is something I need to dedicate more time to just for my own sanity and to constantly feed my own creativity.
I feel lately, as in the past few days, that I have had a very short fuse. It's pretty unusual for me because I don't get riled up too easily. It makes me think, am I stressed and not know it or are my reactions normal? And, what's normal? Clearly, for me, when I speak my mind or raise my voice or even talk "sternly" then I cannot be someone who has a backbone, who is confident, who wants to get a point across. I am looked at as a girl "in a bad mood" or more succinctly, a bitch.
It's been an argument women have been battling for years, decades even, and it's one that is frustrating to no end. Yes, there are some women who actually are crazy bitches, but if you poll the people in my life not one of them would say I am one. However, it doesn't mean I don't have my moments, and I feel that I am entitled to those.
When a male doesn't show emotion, speaks straight facts without a voice that's covered in sugar and rainbows, that is expected. But if I am not a perky cheerleader every day all day, then something is wrong with me. Ridiculous. And the more you battle the argument that nothing is wrong, the more people will needle you and say things like, "Whoa, you're in a bad mood" or "Don't want to make you mad." They say these things because they are used to seeing my smiling face. They expect it. I cannot be a ball of sunshine 24 hours a day. They think women are supposed to lay on the charm thick first thing in the morning, like we are not humans who also are tired, need caffeine or just a few moments of silence before being bombarded with idiotic questions and outright buffoonery.
What I've learned as I've grown older is that frankly, I don't give a damn. If I know I am acting in a way I do not regret, a way that does not intend to hurt someone's feelings, and does not shed me in a bad light, then I will not be afraid to speak up even if it means someone may not like it and may form a mis-perception about me. The truth is that people who look at outspoken women in that manner will more likely be shortsighted regarding other things. And who has time to teach an ignorant fool like that?
So because I am a thoughtful person, I've thought about my actions these past few days and have contemplated whether or not my shorter than usual fuse was called for or needs to be reined in. The final verdict is that it has been a growing of feelings that includes a mixture of annoyance and disgust. When feelings like that come to a head, there is a volatile volcano that might erupt, such as what has happened. It's bound to happen, meant to be. I have acknowledged it and moved on.
For the people who will continue to instigate such feelings in me, I will have to remember to choose my battles wisely. So much energy is exerted on people who don't have a clue about the ways of life is a waste of time.
I hope your Thursday was filled with more calm than my thunderous day. But if not, then I hope you are satisfied with what you were able to get off your chest.